featuring: Alvin Sharplee
Two weeks ago, on a book promotion tour, Alan Dershowitz was on numerous talk shows selling his book "Why Terrorism Works" with the aid of a very controversial idea it promotes. It turns out Dershowitz, that champion of civil liberties, is in favor of using torture to coerce terrorists (or whoever) into giving up their goods.
According to Dershowitz, U.S. law enforcement agencies could use "torture warrants" in the case of "ticking bomb suspects" (someone who has knowledge of an imminent attack). In order to legally torture a suspect, law enforcement agents would have to have a judge issue a warrant for torture based on evidence.
Dershowitz backs his idea saying that in the case of ticking bomb suspects, torture would be used regardless of its illegality. He says either U.S. agents would administer the torture illegally and secretly or the work would be farmed out to other countries which routinely implement torture.
I reacted in my usual pro human rights fashion. Condemning torture however it is done. I know that power corrupts. It's simple human nature. Before long, cops would be torturing their neighbors on the suspicion that their neighbors were sleeping with the cops' spouses. It is inevitable.
Whatever happened to the Geneva Convention? The rest of the planet generally abides by it, but the U.S. has made itself above all law. Even its own. How would the U.S. react if Iraqi forces captured and tortured a U.S. national who had knowledge of an attack on Iraq? The U.S. would use that of further proof of the barbarity of the Iraqi regime. Another reason to invade and occupy the oil-rich nation.
Well, that was my thinking. Then I realized that our country, my very life, is at stake. Not only from Iraq, but also Iran, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Denmark (due to its liberal drug policies), The Aryan Nation, Libertarians, Hell's Angels, various pro athletes, and too many more to mention here.
I have realized that to be merely alive, even hidden in a house taking care of all needs via the internet, is to be at the mercy of evildoers of all stripes.
So I began to agree with Alan Dershowitz, and, in fact, have come up with a plan far beyond Dershowitz's simple ideas. I believe my plan will save countless lives. Including, hopefully, my own.
This is no simple plan, but, with good old American ingenuity, should be doable. First we need to convert unused buildings and maybe some innercity schools into detention facilities. Then we would put a temporary freeze on any travel to and from the United States. Next we would use our police and military to round up every person regardless of their citizenship. Everyone would be taken to their local detention facility.
Once everyone has been detained, the interrogations would commence. Using a variety of methods including drugging and emotional and physical torture every detainee would be questioned about their knowledge of or intent to commit criminal acts.
Anyone then suspected of criminal intent would be shipped to permanent prison facilities. Those who seemed to be a non-threat would be tagged with tracking and informational implants and released.
At that point most all of the bad guys would be taken out of our midst, and us peaceful regular folk would be safer than any other people in history.
I know I would be willing to go through detainment, isolation, and torture in order to assure that none of us would become victims of bombings, biological attacks, and tele-marketing schemes. Will you be willing to do your part to ensure our safety? If you say "yes", they'll let you go.
Sharplee