This ritual is wholly secret.
Thou shalt reveal the interior world of this rite unto noone.
You will need 1 medium sized alabaster egg.
It's preferable to perform the ritual alone, so as to enhance the sense of utter panic at the climax of the rite.
You should be relaxed and very turned-on.
First, Lie down on the bed and finger your butthole.
Arouse yourself in this way until you reach the point where you simply must insert something larger.
Comb the house searching for a phallic-shaped object (making sure beforehand that any object that could possibly be used for this purpose has been remov- ed...except for the egg...)
When your desperate arousal has reached a fever pitch...and NOT BEFORE THEN....resolve to insert the egg into your anus.
Do not use lubricant when doing this.
It is vital at this point that you remain very alert, so as not to miss the tell-tale "shloop" sound as the egg is swallowed whole by the anus.
Now....Panic.
While assuming a variety of impossible yogic postures, attempt to fist-fuck yourself in such a way as to remove the lodged egg from your anus....while doing this, chant "OH my god!" over and over.
Contemplate the infinite array of fabricated stories you could tell the people in the Emergency Room as to how the egg got there.
Finally, insert your entire fist into your ass, encircle the egg with the tips of your index finger and thumb and pull for all she's worth.
It's recommended that you take a day off work after performing this ritual.